Goodbye.

Today is Mother’s Day.  Today my son has 400 days clean.  I want more than anything to never have to restart that clock. THAT is not up to me and completely out of my control. I am still learning how how to come to terms with that. Addiction not only affects the addict, but everyone who loves them.  I still have feelings of fear when he doesn’t answer the phone....those fears are slowly starting to fade. 

I hope in my heart of hearts to never come back here. This is where I released and kept the ugly. Today I am closing the lid....never wanting to open it again.

I will always pray for strength. For me. For my son. For my family. For those going thru the hell of addiction. For those in recovery. 

Prayers.

Another Overdose

My son lost another friend to an overdose the other day. A friend he worked with. A friend he was in recovery with. A friend who lost the battle to addiction. His friend had been sent home early from work on Friday because their boss knew something was off. My son had a feeling Sean was was using again. On Sunday Sean called my son and wanted to hang out...called him several times, left several messages. My son blew him off on purpose, knowing he was using, knowing he didn't want to be put in a position that would risk his sobriety. On Tuesday, he and another friend went over to the sober living house that Sean was living in to check up on him and hopefully get him back in to detox. The house manager told them that he had found Sean dead in the bathroom the day before from an overdose. 

During lunch my son and I talked about this. He told me he was feeling grief and guilt mixed together. He was sad because he and Sean had really connected. Had hung out several times. Guilty because he blew him off. He knows this is not his fault. He knows that no one can make you get clean. You have to want it. It doesn't suck any less. Doesn't make it any easier. 

My son's name is the same...that was their other connection...same name, spelled differently. 

We are starting to make plans as a family again. I can't tell you how much I have missed doing that. We just made plans to go to Catalina next month. HUGE STEP!  HUGE!! My son is even going to ask the girl he is dating to go with us. She is not in recovery, not an addict. I will hopefully get to meet her soon. 

One Step at a Time. Those steps have added up to 130 days.

Determination gives you the resolve to keep going in spite of the roadblocks that lay before you. 

Taking Ownership

My son and I went out to the lunch the other day after he cleared his paperwork with the DMV and got his driver's license reinstated. Another step forward.  At lunch we were talking about his job and how he should be wearing sunscreen as he is out in the sun all day. I told him he will thank me when he is older.  Me being mom. Then we got on the subject of retirement and its never too soon to think of saving a little money. He flat out looked at me and said "I just quit slamming heroin a few months ago, I am pretty sure I am not going to worry about my retirement at this point."  At first this made me laugh out loud. It was that in your face kind of funny that my son can pull off really well. However, later that night I realized that what he said was more of him taking ownership than anything. In the past he had always referred to using as 'doing the shit' or some other such reference but had never ever once referred to it for what it was. Slamming Heroin. Taking ownership and responsibility. Not being the victim but the victor. 

I know these are steps. Small steps that add up to giant leaps. One day at a time. These next few days are going to be a challenge. He has to find an interim sponsor as his direct sponsor is going out of town on a job for three months. I pray that the person he asks agrees....he was a mentor at the rehab facility and has continued to mentor my son. 

Today is day 111.

Never give up, for that is just the place and time where the tide will turn.

Working

I don't even know where to start. It has been more than two weeks since my son's 90 days. I can't tell you how relieved I am and at the same time teetering on holding my breath, fearful that he will relapse. But with each new day, that fear lessens. It will never completely go away. 

My son is working in a commission only based sales job. The more he sells, the more he makes. He said he is making more money than he ever has before.  He is also taking on another job at night to keep busy. He is even starting to pay me back the money he owes. Willingly. He has even been hanging out with his old friends again. Friends who have watched him go thru this hell. Friends who never gave up on him. Friends who love him and have his back. 

I started reading John Quinones book Dreamland: The True Tales of America's Opiate Epidemic.  In the book, it states that the wife of the inventor of the hypodermic needle died from an overdose. Ironic. There is so much information as well as sadness in this book. 

I still pray. Everyday. Not only for my son, but for all addicts and their families. 

25 & 90

Today is my son's 25th birthday. It also marks 90 days of sobriety. He will meet with his sponsor this morning to make sure he is working the plan. The LONG term plan. The plan for life. However working that plan means taking it one day at a time. I have also learned (and still learning more each day) that this IS my son's journey. That I have to allow him to struggle. To make mistakes. That I cannot pick him up when he falls or falls short. I CAN be there to support him with love and encouragement when he gets up from his fall.  It's not always easy to do, I struggle with it every day. BUT seeing my son grow and struggle and succeed is worth it. I love my son more than words can ever express and I sometimes (ok, a lot) wish that I could see into the future and know everything is going to be alright. However, whatever happens is in God's hands. Only He knows what the future holds. 

I have a small surprise birthday party planned for him today. Just a couple of his closest friends and his grandmama. I can already feel the love that will be there. Starting to tear up....good tears this time.

Funeral

NO mother should ever have to bury her child. My son and I went to the funeral of one of his best friends on Saturday.  Danny was found with a needle in his arm in a public bathroom. I told my son that this is one of my biggest fears....getting that phone call or knock on the door.  

We talked about how he was feeling - sad of course. He said that Danny was like the little brother he never had. They even looked alike. Blond hair, blue eyes...model good looks. Seeing him in that casket will be forever emblazoned in our memories. I think his mom did that on purpose; be it intentionally on purpose or subconsciously on purpose. But it was purposeful. A lot of the boys (to me they will always be boys even tho they are all in their early to mid 20s) who attended were other addicts....most in recovery.  Hopefully it will make them think twice before they pick up a needle or pipe. Hopefully they will remember how sad the loss of their friend was...that addiction caused his death. Hopefully they will choose to get help.

When I dropped my son off at his house, he said to me "Don't worry mom, I no longer call my dope dealer, I call my HOPE dealer." His 'hope' dealer is his sponsor. I want hug his sponsor...when I get to meet him, that is the first thing I am going to do.   

One of his roommates told me they had just lost another friend to an overdose. But together in this house, they are family and together they will all get thru this. This daily fight for their lives. 

News Article

There was an article published that accurately describes in detail what we have seen and experienced over the past year and a half:  

http://www.ocregister.com/2017/05/21/how-some-southern-california-drug-rehab-centers-exploit-addiction/

Unfortunately there will always be bad people in this world taking advantage of whatever they can to get whatever they want. They call it 'Free Enterprise'.  Free Enterprise my ass....feel free to take your sorry self straight to hell.  They are effectively committing murder under the guise of the term 'rehab'. 

The friend of my son who died of an overdose on Sunday was one of those brokers. He was only 24. He had a mom and dad who loved him. A little brother who adored him. Friends who will miss him.