Overdose

My heart is breaking today. Another life taken too soon.  Another needless overdose. My son sent me a text telling me that Danny was dead. Danny was a year younger than my son. They played football together in high school. They moved out to Arizona together. I can't imagine the pain his mother is in. I pray that Danny found his peace. I am so sad for his family. Unfortunately Danny is one of about six friends that my son has lost within the past two weeks due to an overdose. 

When is this going to stop? 

WHEN? 

Exhaustion

I am emotionally exhausted. So much so that yesterday that I felt like curling up in a ball in the dirt in my garden. I walked out there to clear my head and with the sun shining, I just wanted to lay down and sleep for days. NO such luck.

After waiting for over 2 hours at a Dr's appointment this morning, I came home to get my son up and out to rehab. NO such luck there either.  He pulled up his pants to show me an abscess the size of a baseball on his ankle. An angry, red baseball with white dots on it. Pure ugly infection. Off to urgent care for another 90 minute wait. While we were there it started to ooze. Yuck. A nurse came out and gauze/taped it up until he could be seen. Nothing back from rehab. No confirmation on a bed. I am not in charge of this; kind of making me a little crazy as its not happening in my time frame. After lancing and draining and whatever else they did we were off to the pharmacy to fill 2 prescriptions.

Finally, after multiple phone calls, he found a place about 2 hours away that can take him. It will be 4 hours in traffic. Ugh! I am now even more exhausted than I was yesterday. I am now certain I need a week of sleep to feel better. I wish. I am not one to sleep. Insomnia and I are good friends. The best.

Another phone call...they will have someone pick him up tomorrow morning at 10am.  I have a class tomorrow that I have to leave the house at 7am and won't be home until 5pm. More stress.  We will be having a family meeting tonight to make sure we are all on the same page.

I asked my son if he thought his infection was due to sharing needles. No. What then? Dirty heroin. I don't want to do this anymore. It's not worth it. Words from my son. I told him he needs to find his joy. His strength.  He agreed.

The joy of the Lord is my strength.    He will get there.

:(

All of the cards have not yet been dealt. I know this. I have to remember this.

You know that 'mom' thing? The one that something is 'off'? Something's just not right? Friends tell you that just because he doesn't respond to a text or call you back, that that is just growing up. Yeah. No. I  know better. I know that if my son is using he won't respond to my texts.  It's not just the 'oh its mom, I will get back to her on my time' response...its something else.  I can't put my finger on it...maybe its my spidy-sense...maybe its a deep down knowledge of how well I know my son.

Today I refused to bury my head in the sand. I refused to look the other way. I flat out asked my son. I could tell by the look in his eye that he had been using. He didn't deny it. He admitted to using...he said the other day. I emptied out his backpack and destroyed all of the needles and rubber bands. He apologized. S

I almost let myself feel defeated. I chose not to. God has decided that he must go thru this journey. I must go thru this journey. Why? I don't know, but that is the plan. God's plan.

I dont' know where my son will end up tomorrow. Whether or not he will be able to get himself into rehab or detox or???

I love my son. I want nothing but the best for him. I want him to be clean. Forever. For life.

This is heroin.

Holding my Breath

Oh wow. I have waited a very long time to come back here.  I have been holding my breath in a way. Holding it before letting it go to write. I am writing this today, my son's 92nd day of sobriety. He didn't want to make a big deal of his 90 day mark. Didn't want to brag on it. Just wanted it to be another day. Another day like any other day that he gets thru. One day at a time. He does have an app on his phone that lets him know exactly where he is in his journey.

I am beyond proud of him. The little things that were common place before his addiction took hold...bringing in the trash without being asked (more than once), helping around the house (begrudgingly), picking up dog poop (he knows how much I hate doing that) and making his bed (ok he never did that before) are back. I have missed my son so much. No, he doesn't live with us, he is living in a sober living house with about a dozen or so other housemates, but he has been up for the weekend and once or twice during the week. He also is working. These are HUGE steps in the right direction. HUGE!

This is still very much a learning experience for me - to try and not 'mother' him. To treat him like the adult he is, not the little boy he was.  I think this is hard for any mom.   I know...my mom treated me like I was 12 my whole life.

I love my son beyond words; I hate what heroin robbed from us.

I still pray everyday asking God to give my son strength. Pray for those still on the streets. Pray for the families of addicts. Pray. I also thank God for his love....he never gives us more than we can handle.

Not counting.

Not Counting. It is great to celebrate milestones...30 days - 60 days - 90 days. But honestly each day comes ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is what my son explained to me; that he doesn't want anyone to make a big deal of his sobriety, that he doesn't want to be bragging about it. He just wants to get thru one day at a time. I also find that I am taking one day at a time. I have to let my faith be stronger than my fears. Take each day as it comes...a gift from God.

I spent last Saturday helping my son transition from the rehab facility to the sober living house. He needed some groceries, toiletries and a few of his clothes from our house. He will be living with about a dozen other house-mates who are in different stages of recovery.  The house was very clean, older but clean. All of the people living there have chores to do everyday. And the chores rotate among them; if one of them is out they must have another housemate cover for them. Responsibility. They are all required to attend a minimum number of AA or NA meetings depending on their length of sobriety. Sunday night house meetings are mandatory for all.  The house manager seems very mild mannered; he is also in recovery. Even he is subject to random drug/alcohol tests along with all of the residents. Zero Tolerance.

He has now been in the sober living house for a whole week. His spirits are up and he is clean. He is the person I remember. My son. He has also found a job!! He will be working construction clean up which will keep him physically active during the day. He has hope for the future, wanting more. Knowing it is going to take a lot of hard work and patience. He knows this and he knows he will have to work at it.

After we ran errands yesterday we stopped at the farmers market down the street from our house to grab a homemade tamale. As we were walking and eating, a lady came running out screaming about her dog - pleading for someone to help catch it before it ran into the street. My son handed me his plate and went running to help with a few other people. Unfortunately the dog, a beautiful Australian Shepherd, ran across the busy street and was hit by a car unable to stop in time. My son didn't hesitate to go over and see what he could do to help. After calling 911, he helped get the dog onto a makeshift stretcher as I was running to get my car to help transport. I had tears streaming down my face as I pulled up to see that someone else had already gotten there to load this poor dog who was bleeding profusely from his mouth. My son said the dog didn't even wince when he moved his hind end onto the stretcher.   We said a prayer for the dog. I still have tears.  The poor girl who was unable to stop in time was so shaken up she couldn't remember her name or phone number.  My son gave a package of wipes to the other kid who stopped to help and had blood all over his arms.

On the way back down to my son's house, we talked about everything from the dog to his friends. He told me it was strange having feelings again.  He is going to go to a sober BBQ with some of his housemates and then to an art exhibit with one of his best friends afterward. I love you mom. Hug. Kiss. Kiss. Hug again. Thank you mom. For everything.

I have peace in my heart.

So Wrong!

My faith should have been stronger than my fear. I know this. I faltered. My son called me late yesterday and is FINE!! I wanted to jump thru the ceiling with joy!  All that worry for nothing. And huge collective release of tension that was building up in the form of panic. I know this is not in my hands. I know I am not in control of this. But yet I still was on the verge of (ok maybe a little past the verge) of panic. I did not tell my son that I was doubting him, because in truth that is what it was. Me doubting him. I will get to see him for lunch again tomorrow and will tell him then. Tell him how absolutely PROUD I am for proving me wrong! Best wrong I have ever been. I have never been SO happy to be so wrong in my whole life.

I will be calling the sober living house today to coordinate his transition next week (yes, he got a week extension in rehab).  He told me is excited, nervous and scared all at the same time. It has been over 4 years since he has been clean and sober.  Today is his 61st day!!  I know there will be tough times ahead and he will have to be strong.

Faith. We all need to have faith.

Panic

I had lunch with my son on Saturday - he was granted a four hour pass without me having to attend the family counseling session as I was not going to be able to make it down there in time due to a prior commitment.  It was one of the absolute BEST days ever...one of those days to just hang out and talk about nothing and everything. We had a horribly unhealthy lunch and then went walking around the mall. Neither one of us are shoppers. But this was awesome as we were on the hunt for some jeans as he was going to be transitioning to sober living as early as Monday; Tuesday at the latest and going to be looking for a job.

As he is going to need an advance on rent for the sober living facility, we came to an agreement that would ultimately allow him to not be indebted to us for the first month's rent. Don't get me wrong, we are not giving him the money but in effect buying all of his stuff that he has in our back shed that he has no longer a need for. We will donate to a good cause... a win win. The stuff is one of those bad triggers he is needing to stay away from.  The money will help him on his journey of returning to independence and sobriety.

I dropped my son off with the best hug ever. I told my son that I had missed HIM and was glad to have him back. He told me he had missed me too and that he loved me before I got in my car and drove home. It has now been 5 days since I have heard from my son. Serious panic has been setting in since Tuesday as he said he would call me to let me know when he would me be moved over to the sober living house. I am the worst when I 'don't know'. Right now I don't know. I don't know where he is. I am thinking the worst. The absolute worst. Did he get transitioned to sober living? Did he walk out? Did he get an extension? I am trying to keep my faith, let my faith be bigger than my fear. Not easy. My husband and friends ask me if I have heard anything and the answer is no. No. Nothing.

As I am writing this I am praying to God to give me strength.