I am taking a moment to reflect on what has been going on. Where I was (in my head) a year ago and where I am today. A little over a year ago when I discovered my son was not only doing drugs but was addicted to them, I thought I would lose my mind. At times, I am sure I appeared to have. Lost it. I thank God for my husband being a calming influence on me. If it weren't for him, I am sure I would have gone off the deep end. Deep end being at one time I wanted to hunt down my son's drug dealer and hurt him. Hurt him bad....really, really bad. I was filled with a blinding rage. I have quelled that rage into what I think propels me forward with positive energy and faith that my son will come out of this on top.
The last thing I ever expected is that this would be a journey that I chose to share in such a public format. Initially, I didn't want to talk about this with anyone other than my husband. I think what changed my mind was that because I didn't want to talk to anyone about this and those that I did share with I didn't want to make them feel like I was complaining or dumping on them. I was also physically exhausted from from talking about it. I write from my heart, what I am feeling at the moment. I don't write to impress. I don't write grammatically correct either. There are typos. What I write is my pure raw emotion. Sometimes that emotion is one way one day and the exact opposite the next. I wish I had more control of my emotions.
If you are here reading this, thank you. Thank you for your silent support. Thank you for sharing in my journey. And above all, thank you for your prayers for my son.
As a side note, I have had over 5000 views to my blog by sharing only. I am and will continue to be blown away by that. No advertising. No key words. Google deems my content 'unsuitable' because of the word HEROIN. I will continue to journal as it helps me heal. I hope others who are going thru this can find healing too.
I have been reading your blog and appreciate your honesty and pure emotions. Like you it's been a year since I/we found out that my daughter not only was using but is a heroin addict. No one in our family uses drugs and we all were so naive. Boy have we learned a lot over this past HORRIFIC year! We have and still are being put through the ringer. So much heartache, deception and loss. I'm afraid to be hopeful due to the total heartbreak I go though every time she relapses. My precious 6 yr old grandson who hasn't had a mom in a year and a half. Im blessed to be raising him. Hes my joy! If it wasnt for him, I would be sad all day everyday. Heroin is selfish, it's takes everything from the addict and all who love the addict. In this new year I have decided to find 1 beautiful thing each and every day. A sunrise, a blooming flower, a mom holding her baby etc . I'm Journaling this. In a sad moment I have this to reflect on. Life is beautiful and precious and I refuse to be a victim to Heroin. It will not defeat me.
ReplyDeleteI love that you choose to find something beautiful every day. I share your pain and I will pray for you too. Faith, hope and love.
ReplyDeleteThank you for that. I hope you are enjoying the weekend. I'm busy planning our grandson's birthday party. It's bittersweet.
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