No Service

Having been out in the desert over New Year's was a a bit stressful to say the least. We are completely cut off from any outside communication. No cell service. Nothing. Typically this is a huge relief, I love being out of touch with the outside world....given everyone is safe. Having no idea where my son was or how he was doing, I chose to drive the few miles back to the highway to find service.

The first text I received was from my son saying he has an abscess on his arm the size of a tennis ball and nobody will accept his insurance. And that he been on the streets for two weeks and hasn't showered. I texted back (not knowing when he would receive the text) telling him that we had done everything in our power to help him, that he had to find the strength to get thru this. He has the will to do this.  The next couple of texts came from his old girlfriend and her mom, one of my best friends. They have been here with me thru this whole thing. From the beginning. They told me that my son had texted them the same thing, and that he wanted a motel room for the night. We have all agreed that no matter what, we cannot support anything that enables his addiction. No matter how hard it is to say no.

Unless my son was at a Walmart or other place that offered use of a computer, we had no idea how long it would be before we heard back from him. I headed back to camp with what I call the 'lump of doom' feeling in my throat. I hate that feeling.

My husband hates seeing me feel helpless and wander around aimlessly. He got me to get on the quad and took me on a long ride. A ride that would take my mind off of things for a couple of hours.

Fast forward to the next day when I took the dogs and headed home while my husband and the kids packed up the trailer. Just as soon as I came in to cell range, my phone rang. I was not prepared for this call and had to pull off the road. My friend said that my son was at her house, had showered and was now eating pancakes with her grandson and did I want to talk to him. Of course I did.  I spoke with my son twice. Twice he hung up me.  I was not convinced he wanted to be clean. Being mean and disrespectful toward me is not a good way to start out a conversation. I also knew that he had used within the the past two days and was 'dope-sick'; wanting another fix or detox to help with the withdrawals.  Another fix was definitely out of the question. Zero Tolerance. Period. No way, no how.

Thru our conversations on my way home, my girlfriend told me that she believed that my son was truly done with drugs. He told her that he never wanted to put another needle in his arm. Never wanted to go thru this again. Never wanted to feel like this again. He was finally sick and tired of being sick and tired. I prayed to God this was true. That this was going to be the last time.

My girlfriend has gone above and beyond. Not just for me, but for everyone she knows.  Last New Year's while we were out in the desert, I was reading "Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff on my Kindle. Reading as fast as I could to get to the end to find out where he sent his son to get clean.  When I reached the end (with minimal cell service at best) called the facility in Santa Fe, New Mexico and asked if they had a bed available. Upon being referred to a facility in San Francisco, and securing a bed there for my son, I immediately called my girlfriend and asked her to book 3 tickets on the next available flight out. She did. No questions, no hesitations.  Yesterday she found a facility that will hopefully take our new insurance.

With the new year, came insurance hell. No more PPO. In a nutshell, thousands of patients were released/kicked out of rehab because their insurance no longer covers 'out of network' coverage.  We now have an HMO. I am waiting for a call back from the facility.

I made the hour and a half round trip last night to pick up my son and bring him back up to our house.  As soon as he came in, he raided the pantry and fridge. Everything that wasn't nailed down was eaten....carne asada, rice, beef jerky, Pop Tarts, cereal bars, candy. Even tho I set the alarm on the house last night, I barely slept.  My son however is sound asleep. After not sleeping for the past couple of weeks, I pray that he will remain so until he can get into a facility where he is safe.  But I still know that I can only do so much. That he has to want this more than using. It is going to be hard. Really hard.  My anxiety level is thru the roof right now. No caffeine required.

Unlike "Beautiful Boy" which had an ending with closure, my story continues with hope and prayers.

I pray this is the end of heroin.