Bitch

I have been a bitch beyond words. I have been a bitch to the man I love, to my family, to his family, to my friends. I have been a bitch to my son. I wish I could change how I have acted; I can't. I can't believe anyone hasn't told me to F-off yet. I know it's coming and I don't blame them.  I hope with time they will forgive me.   I hope they will understand. I hope they don't hate me.

I could tell you that this is what heroin does but that would not be taking responsibility for my actions.  I am (should) be in control of my emotions/actions always.... I am a control freak. There... I said it. But honestly, those who have loved ones going thru recovery are in a way going thru an out of control spiral of their own too. Another thing I have learned. Learning that we (me) can't be in control of this 100% of the time is....ok, it sucks. I hate being mean to people.  I hate myself when I am mean to people....except the guy (a-hole) who cut me off on the freeway the other day.

I have gone to a therapist....yeah, that didn't work.  I thought therapists weren't supposed to judge people...was I wrong?   Isn't it written "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone"?

Breath...just breath. This therapy is better. Writing it out is working.

I will apologize to everyone...sincerely....in person....in time. I promise.