10

I went to court today not knowing for sure whether or not my son would be there. Today he was supposed to find out what was being offered as punishment for his stealing from me.  I think I was as surprised as he was when I walked in and sat down next to him, nudging him from his cat nap.  Talk was minimal at first but he did finally warm up and we ended up having a pretty good conversation. I think I miss those more than anything....just being able to hang out and talk with him.

The court offered him 3 years formal probation plus community service if he would plead guilty to a felony.  Seriously?!  A felony?!  Even though he returned everything? No. Not happening. Under advise, he refused the deal and will now have to reappear next week for possible trial.  This took us close to six hours to come to. That is how long we had to wait. Wait with everyone else having to wait.  If you have never been to the waiting area outside of criminal court, go. Don't judge. Just go and sit. And watch. And listen.

During our time spent together, I explained to him that our insurance will run out at the end of the year. No more 'pre-paid rehab', nothing. He asked what was he was supposed to do then.  I flat out told him to take responsibility for his actions, that this was on him now.  He would no longer be able to continue what I consider has been a free ride for the past 9 months. Hopping from one rehab to the next, leaving when he gets bored. He has been in 10 rehabs since December. 10.

Upon overhearing the sentencing for the little girl across from us (she was sentenced to rehab for possession of meth), they both seemed almost proud of having been in rehab.  When on God's green earth did this become a badge of honor?    I blame this on celebrities making rehab out to be an excuse for their bad behavior and yet still continue to behave badly, but because they went to rehab it makes it all ok.

I think here once again that this is my fault. My fault for not being more strict and hard-lined. My fault for not being like my parents. My parents whipped me with a belt when I did something wrong. My parents never said 'I love you' to me when I was growing up. I vowed never to raise my son like that. I always told him that I loved him, never whipped him with a belt (don't get me wrong, he did get a spanking on occasion), raised him to not be afraid and to have self confidence.

I know I can't control or cure the outcome but I can pray.  I know this is in God's hands, that He alone knows the outcome. BUT I can be strong and not let this destroy me.  Getting this our here lets me move forward. Let's me be strong not only for me but for others too.  To learn how to forgive.

This is heroin. Heroin sucks.