Phone Call

Well, it was supposed to be that if court went well (which it did), that my son was going to be moved to a residential house for sober living this past weekend. Supposed is all that it was; it didn't happen.

My son called me on Monday telling me that he was moved into the house and he needed money for food and cigarettes.  As in residential living, food isn't provided.  I asked him what assurance did I have that he was going to stay clean and stay in the house.  He told me that he was tired of the 'shit', tired of that life.  A friend was going to get him a job, even though it was one he didn't want, but that it would be easier for him to get a job he wanted if he already had a job and was working. He told me that he would pay me back, that this was only a loan until he started making money again. "WOW!"  I thought.  He sounded clear and positive. I thought this was great, that going to court last week and seeing the inmates in the courtroom in shackles really had an impact on him. Unfortunately, I fell for this yet once again. I can't tell you how many times I have said to myself "Never again, I am not going to give him money ever again."  I think I want so badly to believe him, that it is hard for me not to believe him when he sounds so positive; telling me how he is looking forward to getting back into 'normal' life.

I sent $40 to him via PayPal. This was Monday.  On Tuesday the case manager from the facility called and told me that my son had left on Saturday night and returned on Sunday to collect this things and left; taking with him 'only the essentials and throwing everything else out'.  He apologized for not calling me sooner but he had been ill in bed on Monday.  And to please call him back if I hear from my son.

Here I go again, not knowing. Yes, I know my son is an adult. Yes, I know he is responsible for himself. Not knowing whether he is alive or dead is what is killing me.  I dread seeing "Private Caller" or an unknown number come up on my phone. I'm afraid of 'that' phone call.  The one I have heard so many other parents tell me was their worst nightmare.

I can only pray. Pray for my strength. Pray for my son to have strength. Pray for others going this hell that is addiction.